I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
