i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
