I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
