All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
