I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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