I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
