i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
