i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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