Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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