i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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