I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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