got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
