i just wanna soil my oats bro
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
