i already hear my dad disowning me
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
