he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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