Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
her vagine was all disorganized.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize