If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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