I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
