I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
