Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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