genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
