i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
