Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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