I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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