My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
