i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
