she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
