i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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