I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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