Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Randomize
