Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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