Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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