Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
