I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
