so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
