Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
hotel room ftw
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize