I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
