got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
