i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
