he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
