pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
