I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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