Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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