paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
