i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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