accomplished twins. life is a go
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
