im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
