I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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