Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
