fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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