It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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