There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
