Cold hands, warm shart.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
