They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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