i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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