I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
