i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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