if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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