I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
