don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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