The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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