I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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