i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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